Midweek Randoms...

Well, I will one day get around to posting the next installment of Benjamin's NICU journey. I promise! It's just really time consuming to sit and remember details, find pictures, and then try to cohesively type out your thoughts. Especially when the only time that I write on this blog is at night after the children go to bed and everything else is done. My brain is GONE by this time of night! So instead, I am going to write about random thoughts that I have this week. I have seen some posts like this on other blogs called "brain dumps". That's about all I have in me to do tonight! So here goes:

• I see all over facebook tonight that Duck Dynasty is starting a new season. I never get to watch it in real time because we have choir practice after church until 8:30 on Wednesday nights, and then I have to come home and get all the kids to bed, which is never done by 9. (I obviously live in the dark ages because we don't have dvr.) I've caught some reruns in the past, but my most vivid memory of that show will always be watching it in the hospital room the night after I was admitted in preterm labor with Benjamin. Brad always works on Wed nights, so he never gets to watch it either. That night we just sat and watched the new episode and tons of reruns, which were all new to us, and laughed and laughed. It felt good to laugh!
• I have had the same piles of clean, folded laundry sitting on one of the living room couches for about a week. What can I say, sometimes it's just easier to get everyone dressed off the couch!
• This week I broke out the original Memory game for Andrew and I to play with. It was so fun! He was great at it, and even had compassion on his little brother and helped him get matches when it was his turn. It was sweet. However, I realized we had a problem when I pulled the cards out of the box. The first thing Andrew said when he saw the cards was, "Hey! The backs of these cards look just like Target! Red circles!" Ya think we've been frequenting Target a little too much lately? (If you click on the picture, it gets bigger. There really are little red circles all over the backs of the cards. :)

• I took the two big boys to well checks at the doctor all by myself this week. That is a big deal folks. Not that I took them somewhere by myself, but THE DOCTOR. I hate doctor appointments for the kids so much. Ever since Andrew was born Brad has always come along and been the "strong one" to hold them for the shots. Then he lets me grab them up and cuddle them. Not this week. Brad had to sleep for work that night, so I was on my own. The boys did great! There was only one shot among them (poor Isaac), but he and I handled it just fine! The skittles I brought along helped, also the promise of a treat from the Target dollar spot afterward (see, I have a Target problem). 
• I really wish Benjamin would decide to sleep a little longer at night. I realize he is only supposed to be 2 months old, but maybe he could just cut it down to once a night? That would be super nice. 
• A couple of weeks ago I started seeing all my teacher friends on facebook getting back to set up their classrooms for the new year. I started reminiscing about how exciting this time of year used to be for me when I taught. A new beginning. A clean slate. Organizing, crafting, brainstorming (although Pinterest wasn't around yet, boo.) Ahhh. Now I'm seeing all of them post about the first day coming up and I remember the stress, craziness, sleepless nights (kinda like I still have, for other reasons :) and I am so happy that I am HOME.
• And just for fun, (some of you have seen this on Facebook) this is how Isaac rolls while watching tv. Ha! His girlfriends will see this one day!

Well, this has been fun (and easy)! I might have to do it more often. I promise to be back with more NICU journey soon! 

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

Benjamin's NICU Journey: Part 2

(Disclaimer: This is LONG. One of the main purposes of this blog is for me to have a record of life events, so I put in a lot of details that I wanted to remember.)

So, when I left off we were trying to figure out how bed rest was going to work for the next weeks/months. Turns out we didn't have to worry about that. We had much bigger fish to fry. 

On Thursday we had lots of fun visitors in the hospital. Our good friends, Ryan and Tiffany, came and brought their new 6 week old baby, Jenna Kate, and my sister and brother-in-law came and brought my sweet nephew, Noah. Here I am with Noah. He had been to a check up and had on a hospital bracelet, so we matched :) (Excuse how I look, super strict on the bed rest at that point = no shower. Also, this would turn out to be the last pre-Benjamin picture.)

About mid afternoon everyone left, the nurse came and got my vitals, which were perfect, so Brad and I settled in for a fun game of cards. I told him to go ahead and deal them while I took a restroom break. Well. What had been some slight leaking (sorry, tmi) earlier turned into... a lot of leaking. (A little back story, I was afraid the night before that my water had broken because I had a little leaking. The nurse did a test and it showed that it was not amniotic fluid, so I was assured that it was nothing. Hindsight, it WAS.) I was fairly certain now that my water was breaking. We called the nurse and I told her what was going on. She kind of suggested to wait a few minutes and if it continued, we would take some action. She had probably been gone 30 seconds when my legs started to have these crazy tremors. I could NOT control them at all. The shaking quickly spread over my whole body, it was like I was having a seizure, but I wasn't. Brad ran and got the nurse and with one glance, she immediately went to call my doctor to get to labor and delivery. While she was out of the room, I told Brad that I didn't know what was going on, but I knew one thing. Benjamin was going to be born that day. I told him to start praying because our son was about to be born at 25 weeks. So he started to pray and we just cried.

I couldn't even get into a wheelchair because I had no control over my limbs, so the nurse and Brad had to push my whole bed down the hall to L&D. I was crying and so scared at this point. I can't even imagine what it was like for Brad to watch all of this happen in a matter of less than 10 minutes. As soon as we got into the room, my doctor whizzed in and said, "We are not having this baby today! Nobody panic, if your water is broken there are things we can do. We are NOT having this baby!" God bless her for her optimism, it made me feel better for about 3 minutes. 

The nurses started getting vitals and my temperature was 101 or 102 at this point. It had been 98.6 only 15 or so minutes before. This is where all the shaking came from. It was basically just continuous chills because my temperature was skyrocketing. The doctor checked and I was dilated to 4 or 5 cm. She pulled out the ultrasound machine and within seconds was able to see that the amniotic fluid didn't look right (infection) and that Benjamin was almost in the birth canal. They immediately flipped my bed to where I was practically on my head to keep him from pretty much falling out. At this point, my doctor named off about 5 or 6 symptoms of infection that had literally cropped up in these few minutes. She looked at me with tears in her eyes (love a compassionate doctor) and said that she was so sorry, but Benjamin was going to have to be born today. He just couldn't stay in an infected environment.

What seemed like 50 nurses crowded around preparing me for an emergency c section. Brad was right there the whole time. He called our parents to get to the hospital. This was my third c section, so I knew what to expect, but it was SO very different. The other times I was nervous about what was going to happen to me. How it would effect me. What could go wrong for me. Notice the key word? ME. So selfish. This time, I could not even form a complete thought. I didn't have a thought of concern for myself. I was trying to pray for my sweet Benjamin, but I didn't even know what to pray. I am so thankful for a God who intercedes on my behalf when I don't even know what to speak. 

The only thing that really scared me for myself was that they told me I might have to be put to sleep. I wanted, I NEEDED, to know what was going on. I was terrified to be put to sleep and wake up and find something horrible had happened. In order to get a spinal, usually you sit up on the side of the table and lean over. I was unable to sit up and had to stay inverted, so they would have to try to get the spinal in while I was laying on my side. I was told that this doesn't work a lot of the time. Also, if I had to be put to sleep, Brad couldn't be in the operating room. I prayed like crazy that the spinal would work. It took what seemed like forever, but thank the LORD, it took! Brad had to be out of the room during all this, but my doctor stood and held my hand and was very encouraging. It was such a blessing that out of a practice of 7 or 8 doctors, she was the one on call that day. We know that wasn't an accident. :)

From the time they started the surgery, it was only a very few minutes until Benjamin was born. 5:21 pm to be exact. It was then that I heard a beautiful, yet tiny sound. I heard Benjamin cry! That would be the last time I heard him cry for weeks, but that sound brought so much hope. No one said much as they worked on him. Brad went over and watched what they were doing. They were able to wheel him over in the incubator for me to look at him for a few seconds as they left for the NICU. I could hardly see him because he was so incredibly small. He was lost in all the tubes and bags all over him. He weighed 1 lbs 13 oz, and was 13 inches long. Here is a picture of him the day after he was born. (It's hard to comprehend the scale of this picture, but as a reference, that little arm poking up in the back was about the size of my finger.)

Brad went with him to the NICU, so I was by myself while they finished sewing me up. I was just constantly praying, but still not even knowing what to say. As I stared at the curtain in front of my face, it was a little wrinkled on one side. I looked at the wrinkle and it looked like a shark. It looked exactly like a shark that was on a newborn shirt I had bought for Benjamin the week before. From that point on, all I could pray was, "Lord, please let me see my Benjamin wear that shark shirt." Over and over and over I prayed that prayer. Isn't my God good? (***SPOILER***) :)

While in recovery, I was told that Benjamin was doing as well as could be expected for a baby so early and so small. There was no way to tell what the next few days would hold, especially the next 48 hours were very critical. I got back to my room where there were tons of supportive and praying friends and family. I really could never ask for any better. We all prayed over Benjamin and eventually everyone except my mom, sister (who had just hightailed it from 6 hours away in Georgia), brother in law, and a friend had left. I was somehow able to get into a wheelchair and make my way to the NICU for the first of hundreds of visits behind those doors. Somehow, though still traumatized and fearful, I felt a real peace. God was there with us every step of the way. 

Stay tuned for Part 3! Life in the NICU!

(Click here for Part 1)

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" ~Psalm 27:13-14

Benjamin's NICU Journey: Part 1

I have been wanting to write a recap of Benjamin's birth/NICU stay before I forget things, but I have been putting it off. Not intentionally, but I know I have been avoiding it. It's just such a hard thing to even go back and think about. I kind of WANT to forget the details. However, I know that one day I would regret not recording everything, for my sake and for Benjamin's. Not to mention, I saw more miracles and felt the presence of God more during that time than ever in my life. I DON'T want to forget that :) All that being said, here goes...

Benjamin was a much anticipated addition to our family. He was not an "accident", like many people assumed because we had two other small children. He was perfectly planned with love and excitement. I was THRILLED when I found out that he was a boy. I love boys. I do boys. I have boy stuff. Everything was perfect with my previous two pregnancies, so I just automatically assumed that would be the case with Benjamin. That was true until sometime at the end of my 24th week.

I had been feeling extra tired and somewhat "crampy" and uncomfortable for a couple of days. I even opted out of a get together with friends after church on Sunday night because I felt bad. I told a friend I felt like I had some type of UTI or something. I didn't really think a lot of it, just figured maybe it was pregnancy stuff on top of taking care of two toddlers. I didn't change anything about our routine that week, and on Tuesday even did our weekly couponing/grocery trip. I thought I would just suck it up.

On Tuesday night, I started to feel really bad. Like, got home from the store and never moved off the couch again. Brad was home from work, which was our first "God thing" of many. He was scheduled to work Tuesday night, but randomly had a class come up that day that he had to take, therefore he couldn't work that night. I can't remember another Tuesday night he's ever been off. Had he not been there, I would've talked myself out of anything being wrong.

While laying on the couch, I could feel that I was having contractions, but attributed them to Braxton-Hicks because I had been on my feet so much that day. I drank tons of water and waited for them to stop. They never did. I started timing them and had about 9 in an hour. Brad and I were still debating whether this was something to worry about, but thankfully my friend Tiffany really pushed me to go to the emergency room. I called the doctor on call in my practice and she said to come on in.

It was already almost 10, so we loaded up the kids in their pj's and took them to my mom and dad's house, telling them that we would see them in the morning. I was so anxious on the way to the hospital, but never really accepted that there could be something truly wrong. I honestly thought maybe I had a UTI and needed some antibiotics. I remember that as we got out of the car, I said out loud, "Please Lord, let us see the inside of this car before morning."

We didn't have to wait in the emergency room (evidently being pregnant and having contractions sends you straight to L&D) which was nice. When we got to L&D, I was taken to a triage room and hooked up to contraction monitors, which was reading lots of contractions. The doctor came in and checked me and said I was dilated to 3/4 cm and in pre-term labor. I was 25 weeks and 1 day pregnant! How could this be?! This was the first shocking moment that I realized something could actually be very terribly wrong. I hid my tears until the doctor left the room, after she explained that I would be admitted and started on magnesium and some other stuff to try to stop labor. The poor nurse and Brad had to deal with my meltdown. Oh, that sweet nurse, she was trying to be helpful I'm sure, but she said something about getting a NICU practitioner in to talk to me about what a 25 weeker baby would be like. Ummm, NOT what I wanted to hear! Bring on the waterworks! (Thankfully, she didn't really get her. I couldn't have handled that! And if you are reading, Suzanne, Meredith, Melissa, or Ross, no offense, I just didn't want to get to know you just yet! :)

They took me to a room and got me all hooked up to stuff (after failing to get an iv in SEVERAL times, Brad was begging me to let him do it!). I was on magnesium (which is terrible) for most of the night and it stopped the contractions! The next morning my doctor came and checked me out and said I was only dilated to about 1 cm! We were so excited! She didn't know what caused the pre-term labor, and said we might never know. All my bloodwork was coming back fine, no infection.  She warned that some really high number, 75% maybe, of people who go into pre-term labor deliver within 2 days. Of course I thought that DID NOT apply to me. She told me to prepare for lengthy bedrest, possibly until delivery, and a lot of that in the hospital. This did not sound appealing and I was somewhat upset just because of the thought of being away from Andrew and Isaac so much. However, this sounded a lot better than having Benjamin at 25 weeks! So, we started making plans and had lots of sweet, supportive friends and family stop by the hospital for the next couple of days. I was moved from L&D to the regular OB floor for my bedrest. I thought everything wasn't going as I had planned, but felt like we were out of the woods. Little did I know...

Stay tuned for Part 2!

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ~ Psalm 139:13